My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
