I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
