So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
