Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
