You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
