Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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