I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
