I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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