I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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