My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
