That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
P.S. I can't hear my feet
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
