I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
