What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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