Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The struggles of a small town man whore
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
