I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
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Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
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I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER