I'm so fucking centered right now
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
