I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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