I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Screwed.edu
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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