I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
