I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
