i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Welp...herpes.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
