It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
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When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
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Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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