So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
