Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
