i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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