i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
