I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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