I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
