new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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