She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
