I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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