You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
