So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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