Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
