There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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