her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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