I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
