I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
