Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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