i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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