sick fucks of a feather flock together
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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