i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Randomize
