I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
