I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
