I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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