Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
