I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it was like eating out sand paper
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
