I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
