Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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