I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
