Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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