I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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