K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
