i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
