I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I want her autograph on my taint
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
