Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
