This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
